Follow by Email

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Of COURSE, Size Matters!

Stressed out? Here’s a brazen hussy’s prescription (no this has NOTHING to do with Xanax) to have you feeling better, even if you aren’t feeling higher than a kite.

Say whaaaaaat?

Say forget your troubles, c’mon get yappy.

Let’s talk about total mammoth movie escapism.

You see, whatever is stressing you out could be worse. Por ejemplo, if you were higher than a kite you might meet up with a 50 foot tall termagant ( oh, go look it up!!).. or, come to think of it,  you could turn INTO a 50 foot tall something or other.

 Anything’s possible in the land of vintage cinematic excesses.. especially the land of  classic so-bad-they're-hilarious sci fi flicks featuring  behemoth brazen babes ( like the original “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman"   or " The Thirty Foot Bride of Candy Rock") and a couple of huge and cheesy huss-hes, too.

I came across this muy importante cultural subject my lil’ ol’ self while surfing about TRYING TO FIND AN AGENT WHO DOESN’T HAVE HORNETS FOR BRAINS.. sorry… I didn’t mean to shout..

Anyhoo, I  came upon -- TA DA --  a  big, strong, gorgeous and sultry sexy hussy , namely Allison Hayes who was, you guessed it, the 50 foot tall woman.

How did she GET that way in this l958 movie (a must for those who really REALLY like tall women)? Well, the plot goes something like this: Miss Hayes plays a boozing broad who is zapped by a UFO and grows right out of her house! (but not out of her clothes... although she does get to wear itsy bitsy cleavage revealing torn tops).

And she's ticked off. Well, she was ticked off BEFORE she was zapped by the saucer -- her hubby was mean to her and fooling around . 

Yes,  his hot tamale on the side girlfriend ( named  Honey Parker, if you must know) is played  in the flick by the late Yvette Vickers who, in real life, or rather death, was just found mummified in her house.. but that’s another story. She was famous for wiggling her ASSets and  revealed her luscious (young and pre-mummified) bod  in the July l959 issue of "Playboy" .. but I digress.

So the (BIG) bottom  ( and boobs) line in this flick is that a 50 foot hussy gets revenge and actually has a pretty good time doing it. And  most importantly, she manages to look just fab the whole time!

By the by,  of COURSE I know that Darryl "Lanky La-De-Dah Boring" Hannah starred  in a made-for-the-boob-tube redo of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman"  in, what, l993?  Let me share my brazen review of THAT travesty in one word ( OK, so it's not a word..) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  But she was given a gigantic set of bazookas for the flick.. talk about special effects!

And now, darlings, let’s talk about the story of a man with a really big, well, EVERYTHING.  It’s that l959 monstrosity of a sci fi stinker, "The Amazing Colossal Man" about -- you guessed it  -- a colossal man! Too bad, he couldn't get together with the 50 foot tall woman ...

The star is Glenn Langan who lets nothing be seen hangin' because, despite being a crazed gigantic maniac with a radioactive-fried brain, his character remembers to cover up his ginormous manly man bits with something akin to a gigantic Depends.

Whoops... Let's get back to the plot.

This time it's not aliens but a plutonium bomb blast that zaps Lt. Col. Glenn Manning. Sooooo, he keeps growing  and getting more and more weird about the fact he's growing. Plus, his hair disappears (in fact his entire body seems to have had a Brazilian wax job)... 

So like lots of guys who go bald, he OF COURSE heads to Las Vegas  -- possibly because he  heard that Las Vegas show girls are really tall, but he found out they weren't THAT tall...and so he throws tantrums and finally  collapses in a dead-as-a-gigantic-doornail heap. If only he had practiced “duck and cover” when the radioactivity hit… le sigh.

That's the Brazen Hussy blog for today, darlings..  It was good for me, was it good for you?

Why, I feel ready to strap on my highest stilettos and think BIG!! 

I’ll  be back soon with a new and brazen blog… you be back, too! In the meantime, go out there and  do something so BRAZEN people gasp, " Now that is one colossal  free spirit!!”

1 comment:

  1. yes - I had to look up "termagant" duuh...I think you may find a kindred spirit here:
    A feisty female indeed ;)