PENILE PATTER

(oh, don’t be a weenie, you do TOO want to read this..)

 If you are of the male persuasion, admit it: you think about your penis most of the time (although, darlings, it could be argued it thinks FOR you most of the time).

So isn't it tiempo I gave IT some attention (oh, get over yourself, I'm not giving it THAT kind of attention ~~ so just skip that salacious e-mail you were momentarily thinking of sending me... UNLESS you are a perfect clone of Cary Grant).

Ah, yes. The male member.

Your linga, membrum virile, phallus, pizzle, priapus. A weenie by any other name would STILL lead you, like some powerful divining rod, into lust, love, and ludicrous situations.

But Sher, the  Brazen Hussy, is   here to put it ALL into perspective for you, darlings, with this special collection of phallic facts and fallacies.

So zip up your pants, put your hands in front of you, and pay attention!

Here’s what wags and wits (including lots of women, naturalmente, who, even though we do not HAVE penises, have gained quite a bit of knowledge about them in one way or the other....) have had to say about that most UPPITY part of maleness:

" A man, mangled, injured, on the way to the hospital will try to f*ck the nurse in the ambulance... a man will f*ck mud."

~~ Lenny Bruce

"People say to me, 'You're not very feminine.'

Well, they can SUCK MY DICK!" ~~ Roseanne

“ See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.“ ~~ Robin Williams

"If a penis is so great, two penises should be even greater." ~~ Letty Cottin Pogrebin

"A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer,being more able to show his feelings." ~~ Beryl Bainbridge

"I wonder why men can get serious at all. They have this delicate long thing hanging outside their bodies, which goes up and down by its own will... If I were a man, I would always be laughing at myself." -- Yoko Ono " My brain is my second favorite organ." ~~ Woody Allen When a friend of Tallulah Bankhead's asked her if Tyrone Power was gay, she replied:

 "I don't know Dahling, he's never sucked my Dick!"



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"All jobs should be open to everybody,

unless they actually require a penis or vagina." ~~ Florynce Kennedy

"Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis is tiny and he cannot spell." ~~ Erica Jong " Rock is really about dick and testosterone. I go see a band,

I wanna f*ck the guy ~ that's the way it is..." ~~ Courtney Love

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"All that you suspect about women's friendships is true. We talk about dick size."

~~ Cynthia Heimel, who wrote Sex Tips for Girls.